Oil Change instructions for Women:
>> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
>> last
>> oil change.
>> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
>> maintained vehicle.
>>
>> Money spent:
>> Oil Change $20.00
>> Coffee
>> $1.00
>> Total $21.00
>> ================================================== ========
>>
>> Oil Change instructions for Men:
>> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
>> oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
>> check for $50.00.
>> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
>> drive home.
>> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in the
>> process. Cuss.
>> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
>> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
>> filter and twist off.
>> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
>> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
>> trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to ! finish oil
>> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
>> Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
>> in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
>> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
>> gasket surface.
>> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
>> along
>> with drain plug.
>> 27) Drink beer.
>> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
>> into hole. Steal sand from ! kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
>> ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
>> gas.
>> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>> kitty litter on oil spill.
>> 30) Drink beer.
>> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
>> oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
>> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
>> 36) Beer.
>> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
>> flow.
>> 38) Beer.
>> 39) Beer.
>> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>> 41) Beer.
>> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
>> during steps 23 - 43.
>> 45) Beer.
>> 46) Test drive car.
>> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>> 48) Car gets impounded.
>> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>>
>> Money spent:
>>
>> Parts $50.00
>> DUI $2500.00
>> Impound fee $75.00
>> Bail $1500.00
>> Beer $40.00
>> Total - - $4,165.00
>> But you know the job was done right!
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